Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
