Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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