if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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