Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
