I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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