my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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