Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
