fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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