Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
