Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
