As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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