You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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