Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
