Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
