remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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