I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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