she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
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Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.