Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
