For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So much rum. So many feels.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
