she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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