Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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