I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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