so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
