Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Panties = found
Randomize
