I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
