Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
