omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
