Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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