Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
