im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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