i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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