He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
