New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
