Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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