he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
