I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
