i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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