So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
