i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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