let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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