i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
