People in love make me want to vomit
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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