I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
