I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
