You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
