he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Houston, we have a blender
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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