there's paper in my vomit.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
