When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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