So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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