i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
