Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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