Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
