So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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