dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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