So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I looked at my own cervix.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
