Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize